Life seems to become more and more confusing as it goes on. You know how it seems like you have everything down (figuratively, of course), and then something happens and you have to go back and reevaluate everything all over again? Well, that has happened to me in a rather severe way, and actually has been happening for a while, but I am just getting to the point in my recovery from past experiences (aka. being disowned, my family moving away, my pastors betraying me, and other incidents that all occurred within a very short period of time) were I could even come to the place of confronting it.
When I did come to that point, it was very overwhelming. It seemed that everything I had stood for, everything I believed in, was all in question, as if it wasn’t necessarily true. That is a very scary place. It, honestly, didn’t help that my husband is also in that place, but at least that means that we can work on it together instead of one of us seeming better than the other. Well, I still haven’t resolved all those questions, but I have to keep it under control (the emotional stress, etc.), as it was interrupting my life to the point where I wasn’t sleeping well and was having panic attacks. I know, it might sound like I’m overdoing it, but this is very important to me, and, I am sure, is also very important to anyone who comes across a situation like this. It’s funny how things don’t seem as important until you don’t have them anymore. Anyway, I’ve decided to tackle it one thing at a time (as per my husband’s suggestion – thank you), and not believe that everything (including the existence of God) is necessarily wrong, but look for the truths that would either prove or disprove it. This sounds like a very daunting task, and I have only started – it’s going to take a very long time.
In other news, I am thinking about trying to take up dancing again. Only problem is that I don’t have anyone to dance with or to teach me. I’ve looked up the local dance studios, but it is more money than I have right now. Maybe later. Part of the reason that I decided to undertake this, is because I need something to keep my mind of off the more difficult end of work – the extent and horribleness of domestic violence, sexual assault, and similar things that I must deal with on a day-to-day basis. My husband also bought me a folding craft table for Mother’s Day, so I will be able to pick back up the doll house project and I will be able to work on my puzzles without consistently having to only get so far and then tear it back up again. So that will be nice.
I’ve also been thinking about my friendships lately. There is a lot of possibility for me to develop friendships with the people I work with – they are my age (for the most part), and I am on the same organizational level as them, so it isn’t unethical. My past/current friendships are also problematic. Some of them I would like to get back in touch with (I think, maybe), and others that I’m just not sure if it healthy anymore. Like my one friend from highschool who seems to have decided that she is better than me and started flirting with my husband. Thank goodness I can trust him! Although, I can’t get him to understand that I just don’t trust girls that behave like that. For some reason he still thinks that it is him I don’t trust, which is just completely silly.
Posted by live2laugh2love 